Hello world. Well, I highly doubt that many people  are reading this, but I’m going to write just for the sake of that one person who may stumble across this page. Whatever your reason for searching or visiting a site on abandonment, I welcome you to my story.

Much has changed since the last post I made and for that I am grateful and also feel the need to apologize. I began this blog in order to reach those who were dealing with this situation, and also to express my heart in the most vulnerable of ways. Writing is cathartic and has always been a great solace for me. That said, I am going to tell my story, but I want to provide a place of encouragement and just give you daily, or at the very least weekly nuggets for strength.

So today, if you here, remember this – yesterday is gone and today is an empty slate with only possibilites. Hold on to those things that bring you joy and embrace the good – and there IS much good – even if you can’t see it right now. Take my word for it…there is a light at the end of this tunnel and it is more beautiful than you can imagine!

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My life forever changed when I married someone and then tried to comprehend what happened on May 19, 2007, a mere six months after he promised to spend his life on this earth forsaking all others. No matter how much you try or wish to, you never forget the day or time your spouse leaves and the moment the first person says the word “abandoned” to you and you recognize it is different than other separations. You did not have a say in the matter, you did not even know who this person was you had married.

As for me, I never saw it coming…I would be stunned if someone could. I did everything I was “supposed to”. He was someone I met at church, had a respectable job and who took care of himself. But even still, I was faced with a life altering situation and experience at the hands of this seemingly “good man”.  

Shocking doesn’t describe what I felt that day or the days, weeks, and months that followed. I held on with all the hope my heart could muster and convinced myself I would hear something. I prayed every prayer imaginable and cried more tears than could fill the deepest ocean. It was numbing, soul shattering and I honestly thought this person would return after he had some “down time”. I read the books the counselors had advised me to and I took a stand for our marriage even though I was standing completely alone. I had mixed thoughts from every angle being thrown at me, advice I did not ask for or want being given, and the embarrassment of knowing I was cast into a massive looking glass that kept constant observers. I felt like a caged lion at the zoo just longing for the chance to break through and escape.

Over time I will fill in the gaps, but the very long story short is: he never did come back and I never did hear from him. He went on living his life as though I never existed, as though he had never stood in front of a church filled with people and never once looked back for even a minute (hence, the name of this blog having the very distinctive term “abandonment”).

All that to say, I have come a very very long way since the day the door opened, shut, and opened again to a new life…this one I am embracing now. Still, just when I am certain the path is clear and I am running with my back to the wind, things quietly creep up on me at the most unforeseen moments. I have come through the darkest nights, but continue to learn to live in the aftermath of destruction. The world continues to be a beautiful place and I have a few amazing people in my life who have not left me. Mind you, some did, and if you are going through a similar scenario, I have come to realize that many people will turn their backs on you because they don’t know how to handle the situation. Life to them is still very black and white and you now fall into the category of grey. Very grey. Don’t take it personal, they simply have not faced anything of this magnitude and don’t know how to process, comfort or understand that you truly need them. You must soak in this time, and consciously rediscover who you are and will become. You are created uniquely wonderful and uniquely beautiful. You have the opportunity right now to allow the healing waters to rush over you and hang on as tight as you can to the thin rope that will surely pull you from the raging waters. Hang on.

If I told you my age you would probably be surprised and shocked, thinking those things are not possible. Then again, you may be in the boat I am in knowing people have either had more than their fair share of hurt, or seemed to escape any notable down pour. I have gone through more in a relatively short period of time than many do in a lifetime. Trust me, if they made a movie of my life, no one would believe it because in this case truth definitely IS stranger than fiction.

My dreams and heart were shattered in an instant by my spouse, the one person I pledged to spend my life with for better or worse. To top things off, we met at church and I was, of all things, a seminary student. Prior to walking down the long aisle to not-so-matrimonial bliss, I was a young voice heard on the radio that grew up performing on stages from Texas to New York. Before you think you may know who I am, I left behind my career on the national music scene, just as I was beginning to break through the road paved that many call “success”. So, there is a chance you would remember my name or songs, but the chance is relatively slim. In either case, the point is this: I swapped a tour bus for a car and hotel rooms for an apartment. I focused on college rather than putting on shows and discovered what life was truly about. Music was the precursor to being available and falling in love with a person and then losing all I had ever known professionally and personally.

For a long while (several years, actually), I felt hopeless, empty and focused things and decisions I should have made differently. I was living in a “me” centered universe that the world I live in promotes. Growing up, acheivement and value was determined by “making it”. “Making it” meant how many dollars were in your bank account, the status of names in your phone and how many people knew who you were. In the process of “making it”, the essence of who I am was lost in how others portrayed me or thought I should be. I now know every mile I walked and every stone I stumbled upon was a necessary part of shaping and pruning my soul.

At the end of the day I have found and learned to claim that I am a woman of strength and resilience. I know the difference between friends and acquaintances, and that my time in this world is but a fleeting breath and my focus should not be on the superficial. Fame is something people made up… Imperfect, self-existing people seeking for fulfillment that things never bring. I want to be something greater. I want to be someone of substance and character. I want to lift up the person who is weary, struggling or hurting. I want to listen more than I speak and always remember to focus on what really matters in this life. Growth is something I never want to cease.

While there are most certainly times I would like to erase from my heart and memory, they have led me to this place with this unique story. This is my life and this is a day that I have been given to make something of. All that matters now is sharing with others who are hurting, have been hurt or will be hurt (every person falls into at least one of these ). To all of you who may find yourself reading these words… there is still joy in the pain and a reason to go forward, even if everything aroud you seems to scream otherwise.

This little blog is the story of my journey through the dark tunnel to the place of restoration and peace in my heart. For all that I am and all I will become, hope is the source of my strength and I hope it will be yours as well.